Heads Will Rock: A chronicle of postapocalyptic mayhem

PREVIOUS: /heads-will-rock-a-chronicle-of-postapocalyptic-mayhem/chapter-1-dorktown

CHAPTER 2: BAKERSFIELD

As the sun came up me and Dorktown and Hunkidory surveyed the ruins. There was nothing left of Tomorrowland Weekend.

Me and Dorktown said goodbye to Hunkidory. I promised him there'd be a job waiting for him in Norwood if we got the factory up and running.

I borrowed Dorktown's Firebuddy to send a message to someone who might help us.

He didn't just borrow it. He's writing this whole damn book on my Firebuddy. That means I can help write it!!

Stop it Dorktown.

We took the Pinto to the Woolworth's diner in Bakersfield and ordered some brekky.

"What are we sitting around for?" Dorktown asked. "Mohawk Asshole could be in Norwood by now."

"Do you even know where Norwood is?" I asked. I turned to look at the entrance.

Dorktown followed my gaze. "Oh my god!" she said. "Is that her?" She ran to the door.

"Are you Mad Skelli?" she asked. "Can I have your autograph?"

Mad Skelli had agreed to meet us for breakfast. She was my girlfriend back in Australia. Here in the USA I was still trying to figure out what she was. One thing I knew for sure was that she was my biggest competitor. She sold computers known as DingoDongles.

Skelli sat down with us and signed Dorktown's book. "Isn't she a bit young for you?" she asked.

"She's not my girlfriend" I said.

"I'm his mission partner" Dorktown said.

"She's the president of my fan club" I said.

"And its only member" Skelli quipped. "What do you want?"

"I need to borrow some money" I said.

"You're the world's first postapocalyptic millionaire. Why do you need to borrow money from me?"

"You're the world's second postapocalyptic millionaire. Who else am I gonna borrow it from?"

"What do you need it for?"

"Tomorrowland Weekend went up in flames."

Dorktown interrupted us. "Fuck Tomorrowland Weekend. Mohawk Asshole killed my pop. My pop was your friend. You called him Messenger Kid."

Skelli looked at Dorktown. "Mohawk Asshole killed Messenger Kid?"

"Yeah."

"You're Messenger Kid's... kid?"

"Yeah. And we're gonna kill Mohawk Asshole."

"She's gonna kill Mohawk Hineyhole" I said. "I'm gonna recommission one of the old Firebird factories."

Dorktown turned to me. "Do you know why Mohawk Asshole killed my pop?"

I thought about it for a moment. Then I figured it out. I looked down at the table.

"He was looking for you" she said.

When I got on a boat back to the USA I left Skelli and Messenger Kid behind. They were the only people who knew where I'd gone. When Mohawk Hineyhole showed up here I didn't think about how he must have found me. But we never heard from Messenger Kid again.

"We're gonna kill Mohawk Hineyhole" I said.

"What do you need?" Skelli asked.

"Money to get to Norwood" Dorktown said. "And weapons to capture Mohawk Asshole."

"And money to reopen the factory" I added.

"I'll give you the money to get to Norwood" Skelli said to Dorktown. "You'll have to get your own weapons."

"And the Firebird factory?" I asked.

"Chew on me bloody minge" Skelli replied.

"I thought you two were in love" Dorktown said.

Skelli turned to Dorktown. "First you said you were gonna kill him. Then you said you were gonna capture him. Which is it?"

"First the second. Then the first. We'll capture him and then we'll throw him out of a helicopter."

That was oddly specific. "Do you have a helicopter?" I asked.

"We'll have to borrow one."

"Do you know how to fly a helicopter?"

"I read a book about it."

I couldn't argue with her on that one. Reading old books is how I learned everything I know.

"Have you ever killed anyone?" Skelli asked.

"No but I've practiced bashing in the skulls of dead kangaroos" she said.

"Cracking skulls ain't all it's cracked up to be" Skelli said.

"You killed Fake Cop." Dorktown was referring to Skelli's ex who was also Mohawk Hineyhole's best mate.

"I did it to save a life. Not for revenge."

A man came to the table and asked if we were enjoying the food.

"Yes!" Dorktown said. "Are you the owner? I wanna ask you something." She got up and walked with him to the cash register. She touched his arm and giggled.

"Sweet kid" Skelli said.

"She's a psychopath" I replied.

Dorktown pointed at an old Barnett Wildcat crossbow that was hanging on the wall. The shop owner took it down and gave it to her. Then he reached under the counter and gave her a single arrow or "bolt" as they refer to them in crossbowland.

"I thought she didn't have any money" Skelli said.

"She doesn't."

Skelli paid for our meal and we went outside. She handed Dorktown a sack of coins. They exchanged a few words I couldn't hear. Then Skelli skedattled.

He forgot to mention that Skelli gave him a kiss goodbye. They're in love!!

Dorktown if you're gonna chime in at least give us some useful information. What did Skelli say to you?

She said "If you fuck him I'll smash your pretty little toes with a hammer."

Skelli definitely did not say that.

Dorktown put her new crossbow in the back seat of the Pinto. "Can I drive?"

"Nobody drives my car" I said.

"Norwood?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Van Nuys."

NEXT: /heads-will-rock-a-chronicle-of-postapocalyptic-mayhem/chapter-3-van-nuys
For updates, follow us on another social network. For films, follow us on this video site. Contact wastelandfirebird@gmail.com (Firebird) with questions or comments.