CHAPTER 02
YEAR 25, MONTH 02
NARRATOR: FIREBIRD

Me and Mad Skelli spent the next few weeks together at my place in O'Sydney.

I showed her my homemade computer. She asked a lot of questions. I taught her how to write programs for it. Pretty soon it was more like she was teaching me. I think she even came up with some algorithms no one had figured out before.

She stayed up late every night working on that thing and a week later she'd created a game called Alien Guzzaline Wars where you can shoot at monsters. Compared to Atari's shit them graphics was like you were there in the trenches watching the blood splatter as you bumped off Nazi aliens. Damn she was sexy.

I asked her if we were dating.

She said "I dunno. You're the first to survive the audition."

It was pretty great but I'd spent my life's savings on that ticket to the USA and Messenger Kid was bound to show up any day now to tell me when I'd have to say goodbye.



Since there's not much smooth concrete or bitumen around I'd converted my old skateboard into a dirtboard with tires instead of urethane wheels. It's hard as hell to push around on but it's fun to ride down hills.

I was out rolling around on it when I noticed Messenger Kid watching timidly from behind a wall.

I said "Hey Messenger Kid. Got a message for me?"

He came out. He had that bunny on him. He pulled its string. "What's up doc?"

He handed me a note with the time and place I was supposed to meet the boat. Tomorrow at 9am by the Opera Ruins. Pack tonight. Head out early. No problem.

I pointed at the skateboard and said to him "Wanna give it a try?"

He got on the board. He didn't know how to ride it and he was afraid to go downhill. So I tied a rope around the front truck and pulled him around. He managed to fall off anyway.

Then he grabbed the rope and pointed at the board. I got on and let him pull me around.

We came upon a scary fucking pickup truck idling beside a little store and he got an idea. He pointed at the trailer hitch. I figured out what he was trying to tell me. I went up and ran the rope through the hitch and all the way back to the board. Then I wrapped it behind the front truck and hung on to the end of the rope.

We sat on the curb behind the truck and acted innocent.

The motherfucker who owned the scary truck bolted out of that place. The store owner was yelling at him like maybe he'd just grabbed something. He climbed into the truck. I stood up on the board and pulled the rope taut. He spun out and took off with me in tow.

For the first few seconds this idea of ours went great. Messenger Kid jumped up and down and raised his hands in the air. I must have been going like fifty kays when I hit a bump and then I was like that Charger in The Dukes Of Hazzard.

Yeah I know all my pop culture references are from the seventies. Fuck you. It's cuz my world blew up. I haven't seen a movie in decades. If I don't retell these stories they'll fade away forever. The seventies sucked but the cars and movies and TV shows were great. For Your Eyes Only and The Cannonball Run came out in the same goddamn week. What a week that was. Did you see The Cannonball Run? Did you know most of the shit in that movie really happened? Nobody in that movie gave a fuck. Nowadays nobody gives a fuck cuz there's nothing to give a fuck about. But back in those days everyone was supposed to give a fuck and the coolest thing you could do was not give a fuck.

Anyway me and my skateboard flew into the air like that Charger in The Dukes Of Hazzard. Only the board went one way and I went the other. I hit the ground and tumbled out of it but at that speed you're gonna take some damage. I had on a tshirt and jeans and by the time I stopped rolling there wasn't much left of that tshirt.

We limped back to my place. Skelli was out shopping for food. Messenger Kid stitched me up.

I noticed he was wearing a nice leather jacket and I figured I could use something like that. I asked if he got it around here. He nodded and pulled on my arm so I followed him.

He led me to an abandoned police station from back in the days when people still said the word "justice" with a straight face. We crawled through a broken window.

You have to understand that in my world you rarely come upon the perfect anything. Mostly you have to make do and make it work. But the jacket I found in that cop shop fit perfectly and made me look like the love child of Steve McQueen and Peter Fonda.

I asked "How do I look?"

Messenger Kid pulled the string. "I like you" the bunny said.

"I like you too Messenger Kid."

The sun was setting when we got back. Skelli had made dinner.

Messenger Kid's bunny asked "Eh what's cookin doc?"

Skelli yelled "Messenger Kid!" and gave him a huge kiss. "Thanks for smuggling my tits past those gutdroppers" she said.

After we had dinner I said "It's my last night in Straya. We should go out. I know some cunts who make ice cream."

The three of us went to the garage. I opened the door.

My badass Firebird was gone.

No one knew where I lived. No one knew there was a working car in that garage.

"Fuck!" I turned to Messenger Kid. "Did someone follow you here?"

There was no way anyone could have gotten that car started in less than an hour. I'd installed six different kill switches. I looked around. I looked down.

Tire tracks. Big deep tire tracks. Their tires and the Firebird's. "Someone towed it."

Skelli sighed. "Mohawk Asshole has a tow truck."

"How well do you know that fucker?" I asked.

"He was my ex's best mate. His name is Bruce Barbagallo. I know where he lives."

"I know where he lives too. Or at least I know where he likes to hang out and harass innocent travelers. Six hours away at speed." I looked at my watch. "It's 9pm. I have to be back here to catch a boat in twelve hours."

I looked at Messenger Kid. "We're taking your car. I'm driving. I owe you both an ice cream."

We all squeezed into the Beetle and headed west. I put my foot to the floor and we proceeded at... checking the speedo... fuck... a hundred kays. It was dark but I kept the lights off in case we caught up to that fucker. I drove by the light of the moon and by feel.

Six hours later we did catch up to him. My precious Firebird was facing backwards chained helplessly to his tow truck. His truck was a loud and slow F350. His lights were on but they were dim as fuck. He hadn't spotted us even though we were right on top of him.

So here's some more of that action you crave. I'm glad you find it so entertaining when my life is in danger. This book had better make me big money. Maybe a movie deal when somecunt gets movies working again.

"Messenger Kid take the wheel" I said. "I'm climbing into the Firebird. Skelli you hop on the truck and let the chain down real slow."

I climbed out the window of the bug. I slipped and almost went under the wheels. Suddenly this did not seem like such a good plan. But I made it into the window of the Firebird. I put on my seat belt. I put my keys in the ignition and unlocked the wheel. I was now sitting in my car which was pointed downward at a forty five degree angle with the rear wheels off the ground and the front wheels rolling backward at something like eighty kays.

Skelli climbed onto the truck. She slowly turned the crank. The Firebird's back wheels moved closer to the roadway.

At this point it's worth reminding you fuckers that it was three in the morning.

Mohawk Asshole was falling asleep at the wheel. I know this cuz we all started casually drifting off the road. Skelli started cranking furiously and a moment later all four of the Firebird's wheels were on the ground.

The Firebird was now a four wheeled trailer and a four wheeled trailer does not track. Yes I knew this would happen but I figured that future me would figure this shit out. But what had once been future me was now present me and present me had no idea what to do either.

Tires were screeching and vehicles were fishtailing and we were still chained together. I pressed as hard as I could on the brake. Skelli jumped off the truck and rolled. The truck bumped into a tree and crunched its radiator. The Firebird's ass came to a stop a couple of centimeters from the back of the tow truck.

I started up my badass car and tried to get loose but the tires were just spinning. Skelli ran to the back. I put it in reverse and gave her some slack so she could unhook it.

Mohawk Asshole got out of his truck. His face was bloody and the steering wheel had somehow come off and wrapped itself around his neck. It was gross and kinda scary.

Messenger Kid stopped and smiled and held the bunny out the window. He pulled the string. I was expecting "Now take it easy" but what we got was "Hey take me with you."

Mohawk Asshole grabbed the bunny and threw it on the ground. Messenger Kid quickly rolled up the window. Mohawk Asshole tugged on the Beetle's door handle. The handle came off in his hand and the door stayed put. Messenger Kid puttered off toward Exotic Travels. It wasn't much of a goodbye but it was the best we could do while defending ourselves from a raging lunatic.

Skelli did not have to do what she did next and it was brave as fuck. She walked right up to Mohawk Asshole and grabbed the steering wheel that was around his neck. She used it to keep him at arm's length. She reached down and picked up Messenger Kid's bunny.

She bit the string and pulled it like she was gonna throw a grenade. She held the bunny right in his face. It said "I love carrots."

She tossed the bunny to me and jumped into the window of the Firebird.

Mohawk Asshole grabbed Skelli's leg and held on. We dragged him a bit before he dropped off. All he got was her shoe. He yelled something about killing me and everyone I loved and I'm pretty sure I saw him take a bite out of her shoe.

We cruised back to O'Sydney dodging roos at two hundred kays.

"Eastbound and down" I said.

"What's that?" she asked.

"American trucker talk. You've never seen Smokey And The Bandit?"

"I've never seen any movie" she said. Turned out she was a postwar.

"What was the Big Bang like?" she asked.

"Best thing that's ever happened to me." I dunno if I was being sarcastic or not. It's not like I can compare my life to another version of my life where the Big Bang never happened.... Right?

"Did you lose anyone?" she asked.

"I lost everyone."

A moment passed in silence. Then she said the following.

"My identical twin died of food poisoning when I was four. I didn't understand that she was gone. I kept asking my parents where she was."

I know some of you are choosing to consider this a work of fiction but I assure you that right there is some of the realest shit you've ever read.



The sun started to rise over O'Sydney. I looked down at my dad's watch. I discovered it had been smashed during the previous night's shenanigans. I took it off and tossed it out the window.

When we got to the Opera Ruins the boat was still there but it had already begun to move away from the dock.

There was less than a meter between the dock and the boat but the gap was growing fast.

I knew what to do. I'd seen it in the movies. I kept on it. I gave it the bejeezus.

We flew over the gap. We almost ran over a kid but he managed get the fuck out of our way. I hit the brakes and screeched to a stop. Maintain your brakes and you'll live long enough to appreciate your engine.

We stepped out of my badass car. Skelli smoking hot as always and me in my cowboy hat and Stever McFondaqueen sex jacket.

The little tacker I'd almost just killed said "That was awesome."

I tossed the kid a five cent piece. "There ain't no movie stars anymore kid. There's just us."

"We're giving them back their heroes" Skelli said.

We kissed.

She jumped off the boat and swam back to the dock. She climbed out of the water. She looked adorable with her one bare foot. She yelled to me.

"I love you."

"Attachment leads to suffering" I yelled back.

"Hope you get scurvy" she shouted cheerfully.